I took Tamahome out for a trail ride this afternoon and decided to pony Gypsy along. I did not realize that bringing her along would make things much more complicated. I’ve highlighted some of the more interesting conversations that occurred on our ride.
Me: OK, guys, let’s go on out.
Tamahome: Hi Gypsy!
Gypsy: What the hell. I did not say you could address me directly.
Me: Stop it, Gypsy.
Gypsy: Now you’ve gotten me in trouble. I hate you.
Tamahome: OK, that’s cool.
In reality, once we were on our way, both horses were very good until I asked Tamahome to move from a walk into a gait.
Me: OK, let’s gait now.
Tamahome: Pace.
Me: Gait.
Tamahome: Pacing….
Me: No, gait. Gaiting. Gait.
Tamahome: P-A-C-E
Me: Gait.
Gypsy: Whatever… it’s all a trot to me.
Once we got to the single-track trail, Gypsy and I had a little discussion as to the order of things.
Gypsy: I should go first.
Me: Uh, no.
Gypsy: I should at least be on the side.
Me: There is a cliff on the side. Just follow behind us.
Gypsy: I don’t like following. Following is dumb.
Tamahome: Ha ha!
Me: Be nice, Tama.
Tamahome: I’m always nice. Just like I’m always first.
Gypsy: I hate you.
On the way back, I stopped at the restroom and tied Gypsy and Tamahome up to a tie rail nearby. I think that was a mistake, as I believe they used that time to conspire together to make mischief.
Tamahome: We should pretend to spook at things.
Gypsy: I don’t think she’ll like that very much. Besides, I still hate you.
Tamahome: No, no- trust me. Do it for Elizabeth. She thinks it’s sooo much fun!
Gypsy: Are you sure?
Tamahome: Oh, yeah. I do it all the time. OK, OK, she’s coming back. Pretend everything is normal.
Gypsy: Um… OK. Hi, uh… Elizabeth. How’s things?
Me: Good. Let’s go home.
As I went to mount Tamahome, he spooked forward, knocking my head into a tree, and I became a human accordion for a moment. Thank goodness I was wearing my helmet, as that would have knocked me unconscious at best, and bashed my head in at worst. On the plus side, if I had been wearing my GoPro, it would have been smooshed, so it was for the best I didn’t put it on for this ride.
Me: Crap. That’s going to hurt later.
Tamahome: Wow! Did you see that tree come out of nowhere?
Me: What the hell, Tamahome?
Tamahome: It just, like, rushed up on us. It was weird, you know? The way it came up on us… ‘cuz trees don’t usually do that.
Me: All right, just stop. I want to go home and get some ibuprofin.
Tamahome: Oh my God! A white car!
Gypsy: Um… yes! That’s scary… how it’s driving and all.
Me: Stop it, both of you. Thanks to you, my neck is already an inch shorter than it’s supposed to be.
Tamahome: No, no, Gypsy… you have to really sell it. OK, here’s something coming up. Just follow my lead.
Gypsy: Whatever.
Tamahome: Oh no! A bicycle! I’ve only seen several hundred of those in my lifetime!
Gypsy: Aaaahhh… OK, it’s gone. Are we done?
Tamahome: You’re not very good at this.
Gypsy: No.
Me: What is your problem, Tamahome? You’ve seen at least a hundred bikes in your lifetime!
Gypsy: (sees miniature horse at the Trabuco Canyon school) DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?
Tamahome: What? Where?
Gypsy: IT’S A SMALL EVIL DEVIL!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Tamahome: I don’t know what we’re spooking at, but AAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Me: Oh my God, I’m going to die!
As we continued up the street, both Tamahome and Gypsy’s pace began to slow, most likely because the sun was beginning to get to us. It got to the point that I was considering not only getting off and dragging the horses behind me, but also contemplating cutting the thick air in front of us with my pocketknife, a-la a machete in the jungle, it was so muggy. But we finally arrived home:
Tamahome: Hello! We have returned!
Sapphire: Oh, goodie… you’re back. I, uh… tested your hay for you. Because I knew you were going to be back and all. Uh… yeah.
Apollo: Gypsy! You’re back! Ohgoodohgoodohgoodohgood. I was so upset that you were gone that I could barely stuff all of this hay in my mouth fast enough.
Gypsy: Who are you again?
The last thing to do was rinse the horses and put them back home. It was more complicated that I had hoped.
Tamahome: Since we’re over here, we can eat all of Apollo’s grain.
Me: No, just stand still so I can wash you off.
Tamahome: No, seriously, I can totally just take the lid off right now.
Me: Just… stop moving.
Tamahome: Here, let me just reach around you right now- see- bam! the lid is off and we can eat the grain now!
Me: What are you doing? No- just stand there so I can finish rinsing you off. No, don’t take the lid off again!
Tamahome: I will share. Here, just let me knock the entire thing over. It’s easy, really… watch!
Me: *sigh*
Gypsy: I want some. Move over.
